Update: Happy April Fools, everyone!
Being a former president of the United States of America gives you a lot of insight that most people don't have. This is, after all, why I am Gamnesia's go-to guy when it comes to politics and national affairs. We don't talk about politics here often, but they do affect all of us, whether we want to pay attention to them or not. Things like regulations and judicial processes affect the day-to-day operations of every game developer and publisher in a myriad of ways, and the people we put in elected office are the ones that write and enforce laws. So, naturally, it stands that even a humble gaming blog like Gamnesia would have a stake in the upcoming presidential election.
With that aside, I would like to take this opportunity to present my endorsement for Donald Trump.
Donald Trump is no stranger to the video game industry. Donald Trump's Real Estate Tycoon hit the shelves in 2002, bringing the awe-inspiring Donald Trump brand to the PC gaming master race. And in how fitting a way! What could be a more appropriate way to introduce gamers to the mentality of how The Donald operates, than with a god game where gamers can profit off property in hyper-expensive and thoroughly gentrified cities? A game where crime is seen as what it really is: not as a by-product of what happens when a broken society drives people to insane points of desperation, but rather as a mere nuisance that can potentially affect property values. It happens sometimes, you just gotta factor it in as an expected long-term expense in your business. Liberal blowhards would say we should go after the source of problems, but that's unrealistic and also entirely not our problem. Donald Trump's Real Estate Tycoon was not just a mere god game, but a message to gamers in itself on how the real world works—we're here to win the game by making the most money and driving our opponents into bankruptcy. Everything else is just an obstacle to winning. It's a message so simple, yet so poignant. And it's a concept Trump knows better than anyone, which is why I feel comfortable trusting him with one of the biggest positions of power in the free world.
Gaming is a business kiddos, and Trump's expertise at running businesses has given him years of experience in knowing what they need to become successful. Under a Trump Administration, I'm convinced that he will do all he can to leverage the power of the government to help businesses be more profitable, and that includes all our favorite publishers. How many more times do we need to see Atari go through bankruptcy? How many more precious gaming brands must be lost in development hell as studios struggle to remain open? The future of our industry is bleak, but President Trump can fix that, by bridging business interests with government priorities. Donald Trump will make gaming great again.
Are you tired of the boring old way America works? Imagine it being run like a game. Donald Trump has hosted 14 seasons of the real-world game The Apprentice. A show where dozens of wealthy people all competed to be the one who got to be a little bit more wealthy than the others in the end. Imagine if the rest of America was like these people. Under the life-is-a-game modus operandi of a President Trump regime, we'd see even more people climbing over each other to be the best they can be. Doesn't that inspire you? It inspires me, and I'm sure it will inspire the artists in the video game industry to make even better games.
Now lets be honest with ourselves—a lot of us play video games as a form of escapism. There is no shame in this. When life is rough, when you feel abused, or when you feel trapped, it's seriously a refreshing thing to take off to a new world and deal with the easier problems there. This common truth has united me with many of my fellow gamers, even if I'm a bit old for it all these days. Sometimes games can even inspire us to make some kind of positive change in the world around us. Some of us are like the old man in the very first Zelda, giving the young player a sword. "It's dangerous to go alone, take this!" He knows. He's been through worse than you even know right now, but all that he's asking is that you trust his sagely advice and take the sword, because it will most certainly save your ass. Electing Donald Trump as our next President will most certainly save our collective ass.
Ronald Reagan served as the 40th President of the United States from 1981 through 1989, is an avid Castlevania fan, and has never once fallen off of the Ghost Valley track in Super Mario Kart. He is currently working on the launch of our future sister site, Pod Six.