I know, I know, everyone's freaking out because the inauguration is just two days away, and everything's on fire, and 2016 never really ended because the passage from one unit of time to the next has no bearing on the course of human events. I get it. But let me take your mind off it for just a moment, and then I'll let you get right back to the existential dread.
I've been excited this week, because I like video games. And I'm easily excitable, so of course I've been excited at least once.
But I'm talking about Nintendo. You know, Nintendo, with Mario, and Pokémon, and that one-handed Wii controller that can become anything you want. It could be a baseball bat, or a steering wheel, or a magic wand with the power to shatter televisions on command. It's Nintendo!
This past week Nintendo announced their next big thing: it's their next video game console, and this thing is gonna have every game anyone under forty could ever need to play. I don't know if many of you remember the 1980s, but I, being age negative-eleven at the time, remember it like it was yesterday.
And believe me, to us gamers, it was the Golden Age they only speak of in legend. A time when Mario was born. A time when Pac-Man was… well, Pac-Man was already pretty boring. He's a yellow dot, it gets old quick.
This system is gonna have games from way back then all the way through now. It's gonna have Smash Bros., it's got Mario Kart, and FIFA, and Minecraft, Bomberman, Street Fighter, Smash Bros…
…Did I say Smash Bros. yet? Hell yeah I did. Because you know there's no way this thing is getting by without Smash Bros.
It's even got the game Nintendo thinks is the next Wii Sports, where you forget about the TV screen, stare your best friend deep in the eyes, grip the controller firmly yet gently, and the advanced rumble technology lets you feel like you're really stroking it. "It" being the udder of the cow you're having a milking contest underneath—but I know what you were thinking Nintendo, don't you silly-billies try to fool me.
And the catch is, this system's not even a console. It's a little tablet, with these little controllers on the sides. When slide it out from its slot next to the TV, that screen goes dark and the little tablet one comes on. And you can play all those games everywhere you go.
So I will. Oh I will, and I'm gonna love every second of it, because the best part is the tablet's controllers split in two. Everywhere you go, you have two fully-featured video game controllers for Mario Kart, and Bomberman, and Street Fighter.
I won't leave the house without this sucker, and everyone I run into can hop in for two races of Mario Kart, or one minute of Smash, or three hours of Bomberman—let's face it, you won't need to think about any other responsibilities if you're playing Bomberman. You're in a good place.
When anyone I run into asks "why is one side red and the other one's blue?" all I need to do is slide one off and say "wanna play?"
And that's it. One motion. Two words. "Wanna play?"
It's an offer no one can refuse! Everywhere I go, people will be under my total control. I'll be the game master.
Wanna play Mario Kart—BAM, now ya do! Wanna play Mega Man—BAM, now ya do! Wanna stare into each other's eyes and see who gives it a better stroke? …On second thought, I'll probably leave that game alone.
This miracle console is called the Nintendo Switch, and right now there's only one bad thing that gets me about it: it comes out in six weeks. …And I'm not sure our democracy can survive that long.
Enjoy the existential dread!